#with added covert innuendoes and dubious puns

[saladscream]

Merlin’s penis is unimportant.

Arthur wants to be very clear about that.

Unimportant and as good as invisible. Inexistant.

Well, that is probably not a very fair or flattering way to put it, but Arthur only has Merlin’s best interest at heart. He doesn’t want Merlin’s penis to be thrown around the conversation with such callousness. Some things in life should remain sacred and a man’s member is absolutely no one’s business but his own.

Alas, it appears some scoundrels out there simply have no respect for the tacit etiquette that governs honest men’s lives. But then, this is Gwaine – what did Arthur expect?

And so Arthur doesn’t listen to the bawdy armoury chatter. He doesn’t want to listen.

What if Merlin’s dick is the prettiest dick Gwaine has ever seen?

Forsooth, has the man no shame?! Oh but Arthur knows what the prattler is doing, and he is fairly certain that the man has actually never seen Merlin’s manhood. Gwaine is merely baiting his fellow knights, luring them in with some savoury piece of gossip. And the tragedy is that the others are lapping it up.

It doesn’t take much to convince the evil little rumourmonger to deliver the lurid, improbable tale of how he came to be acquainted with a part of their friend that decency commands should stay firmly out of sight (and out of reach) from the likes of Gwaine.

Which is when the eager audience learns that not only is said dick pretty, but it is also, in fact, large.

‘Hung like a mule’ is the despicable turn of phrase that the wretch uses. And as though the statement required any enlargement, he adds that the cock at hand is rosy and firm and has a majestic upward curve that tilts slightly to the right when keen.

Arthur is of course outraged. To the point where his mouth feels dry and his heart dizzy.

And to his dismay, the other knights won’t shut up now. They clamour for more details and suitable points of reference. Elyan enquires about length, Percival about girth, while Lancelot remains suspiciously quiet and still – and a tad flushed.

In speechless desperation, Arthur seeks Leon’s bewildered eyes for support.

Gentle reader, there are no words to describe the abyss of betrayal that engulfs him when his longtime friend and right-hand man panics and squawks a ‘well, Arthur’s got a big prick too!’

A dubious and rather offensive hush comes over the men, and the only good thing to come out of Leon’s brainfart is that Merlin’s endowment seems to have been momentarily forgotten.

Utterly defeated and terminally mortified, Arthur gets up on stiff legs and glides out of the armoury, his dignity in tatters.

Just you wait until he gets his hands on Merlin. The prat will rue the day he showed Gwaine his privates.

Just you wait.

Merlin’s arse is his.

[Many thanks for the reblogs, comments and likes. They're greatly appreciated! ❤️]

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1 - Merlin's eyes

2 - Merlin's lips

3 - Merlin's hands

4 - Merlin's throat

5 - Merlin's hair

6 - Merlin's ears

7 - Merlin's legs

8 - Merlin's forearms

9 - Merlin's chest

10 - Merlin's penis